Thoughts and fears about Mexico.

I’m going to Mexico in a week. I am very excited, but I’m also a bit nervous. This is my first “girls trip”. I have never been on a vacation with just lady friends before. Most of these women I don’t really know well either. My coworker, Nancy, invited me to come 5 months ago. Nancy is a really nice friend and I feel very fortunate to have a friend like her in my life right now. As neither of us work at the cafe anymore, we don’t see each other as much as I would like. I miss chatting with her. We have met for coffee and I’m sure we will do what we can. She and I both work other jobs and have our own lives.

My biggest concern is the other women in the group. Some I know from a fitness boot camp I went to not too long ago. Very nice ladies. One of the women intimidates the hell out of me. She’s the fitness instructor. I can’t tell if she likes me, or is annoyed by me. I can’t get a good read. So I’m hope, hope, hoping we get along on this trip. I always have these really deep insecurities when it comes to female friendships. I have no real long term friendships. All of these ladies have known each other forever. I always worry about if they will like me. I try to be myself. I’m an introvert, and so it’s very hard for me to warm up to people. I usually do a lot of listening. I’m not always “up for anything”, as they say. I can be a little too honest at times. I’ve had a lot of friendships come and go because I couldn’t meet their emotional demands of me. I just don’t really like to be around people….so maintaining friendships is really hard.

I’m trying to keep my expectations low for this trip. I honestly don’t have any idea how it’s going to be. All I know is, all the ladies I’ve met so far are really nice. So I’m going to ride that one for a while. They are all around my age. 45-60. They have families and jobs. They are all married. They live their lives and support one another. So, I am just going to ride the wave of nice and try to enjoy myself without expectation of more.

I would like to head up to Powell’s bookstore today to find a couple novels to take with me. I don’t do well on planes. I get very claustrophobic and ADD kicks in. I get air sick too. So, I’m hoping reading a book will help. Xanax will also help. I heard of a book called, “Post Traumatic Church Syndrome” by Reba Riley. I can identify with what the book is about and thought I’d pick up a copy. I’d also like to maybe find a true crime novel. I don’t generally read true crime, but I do watch true crime documentaries. So perhaps I can find a book about a cult gone wrong or something. LOL. But, there is a good chance I’ll go by the discount books and pick up fluff too. 😀

The only thing, besides a book or two, I need to get for my trip is a new suitcase. I would like one of those hard sided ones. I’d prefer pink. So my quest in the next week is to find a suitcase that meets this criteria. I also need to get a body belt to hold my cash and passport. I went to the bank and asked if a prepaid visa card would be a good idea to take with me (we don’t have credit cards, only debit), and I was told no. Traveler’s Checks are a thing of the past apparently. I haven’t traveled outside the US in 16 years. I don’t want to use my debit card. The other ladies are bringing cash, so I’ll do what I can to protect my cash and wear it next to my body.

I’m very nervous about Mexico. I will be honest. After I paid for my flight, it was then I found out about all the horrible things that keep happening to Americans. I’m afraid to order any kind of beverage. I’m scared to leave the resort, unless it’s a guided excursion hosted by the resort. My apprehension is increasing the closer this trip gets. I tried to discuss this with Nancy, but she assured me things will be fine and we will all take care of one another. All I know is, I plan to keep my wits about me. Getting drunk on tequila? Not happening. Not sure how I’ll deal with the beverage thing. I heard some resorts have places where they re-bottle beverages that contain roofies. You *THINK* you’re getting a fresh bottled something, but you’re not. So I’m kinda freaked about that.

Anyway, lots of apprehension about this trip. Doing what I can to stay excited.

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A rewritten life

Loneliness is something I really struggle under. My adult life has been filled with raising kids, keeping house, managing pets, homeschooling…..now my life is not like that at all. I’m still managing pets. I have one child left in the nest and it’s her Senior year of homeschool. I work, so keeping house is something we all share together. But there are those moments now, when my husband and daughter are at work and I’m not and I’m home alone. The house is quiet and I miss my children and their noise. I get really depressed under that loneliness. Some days, I get so paralyzed with the loneliness, I can’t function at all. I find I spend those days on the couch watching something, or wandering from room to room doing little things. Waiting for the moment when someone will come home.

Now that I have a new job, my life is not carefully coordinated like it was. My daughter and I don’t work the same days anymore. I work weekends Saturday – Monday. So during the week, there are large chunks of time where I am alone and I do not like it. For most of  my adult life, I’ve not had to work. I’ve done odd jobs here and there to bring in extra income when needed. I was bookkeeper for my husband’s company for about 5 years until we decided to homeschool. So for the last 13 years, I’ve built my entire life around my children. I have enjoyed every single moment. EVERY.SINGLE.MOMENT. I hate that it went by so quickly. But here we are, almost empty nest, and I am fighting a raging battle against loneliness and depression.

Like most women I know who have lived a life like mine, they go to work full-time when the kids are grown and moved on. This is my plan too. I’m working in the pharmacy now part-time and I really like it. I have to work in the pharmacy, as a clerk, for a certain period of time before I can work toward becoming a technician, so I will stay and work. In June, I can move into full-time because I will be done homeschooling. My daughter will work full-time until she goes to college next fall. So I’m sure the loneliness will fade as work and other things fill the void.

Needless to say, I’m trying very hard to fight off the depression that comes with loneliness and think toward the future. I miss my kids so much, but equally, I’m happy they have productive lives of their own. Their stories are just being written, and in a way, mine is being rewritten as well.

 

I’m tired of talking about work.

It has been an interesting week…and it’s only Thursday.

Work at the cafe was maddening and it continually confirms that my choice to leave was a good one. One of my co-workers is taking it pretty hard. And that makes me sad. It looks like I might be only working Monday, then be done. Long story, but my presence on Tuesday and Wednesday just isn’t needed and my boss acknowledged it.

So, moving on. I start the pharmacy job on Saturday and then hopefully be on the schedule. I had to buy new clothes for my new job because there is a dress code. So that was fun.

This entire work thing has been so brain consuming. I am tired of it. I am tired of working draining the life out of me. I wonder if this is normal? It doesn’t seem to bother my husband to go to work 5 days a week. He comes home, does stuff, looks forward to the weekend, is capable of functioning in the evenings without plopping on the couch defeated. I wonder if a different job will have me feeling differently. I hope my exhaustion level reduces.

 

An update

Well, I was hired in a pharmacy as a pharmacy clerk and I will begin schooling shortly for the technician certification. I’m in the process of getting all the big corporation hoops jumped through. So much unnecessary stuff, but I’m paid, so there ya go. My last day at the cafe is Sept. 26.

My ability to give notice with my boss at the cafe was stolen from me by a nasty coworker who over heard me telling my friend about the pharmacy job, and proceeded to run and tattle to her. Another coworker texted me on my day off that my boss knew, was angry, and that someone had maliciously spilled the beans. It was unprofessional and just plain rude. I immediately called my boss. I had plans to give my notice the day after labor day. But my boss’s father died suddenly and I felt it was inappropriate to dump that on her. So I decided to wait a week. I was robbed of a professional notice by my nasty coworker and it confirmed the many reasons I don’t want to work there anymore.

Onto bigger and better things.

First days and Last days

Today is the first day of the last year I will homeschool my children. My youngest is a Senior this year, she will graduate in June and that will be it! I have mixed emotions, but mainly, they are excitement. She’s so ready to be done with high school and off into the world making her way. All 3 of my kids have different approaches to the way they’ve grabbed (or will grab) hold of adulthood.

My son has struggled to figure out what he wants to do in life. As an introverted person who has always been shy about trying new things and branching out on his own, he has taken quite a long time to figure out his life plan. He’s 22 now, we moved him back to Idaho last weekend, and he’s more motivated about where he wants to go. My thoughts are that some kids are go-getters, and some take their time. My son takes his time. He’s thoughtful and cautious. He knows how to get up and go to work. He knows how to feed and cloth himself. He knows how to manage his money and save. He knows how to be a good person and make good choices. His choices aren’t in our timeline, but he’s not living our life, he’s living his. Like all of us, he will figure it all out in his own time. I am proud of him!

My oldest daughter is 20 and from the get go, she’s always been incredibly motivated and driven. Learning issues? Dominated. Piano lessons? Dominated. Piano competitions? Dominated. Now as an adult? She went from being 18 and a courtesy clerk at our grocery store to assistant store manager at 20. She literally worked her way up. She’s in college getting her retail management certification (paid for by the grocery chain) and her goal is to be store director by 24. She’s very driven to succeed and has her goals planned out. There have been times I’ve been worried about retail management hardening her towards humanity, but again, she’s a bright girl who knows right from wrong. She loves her job, she has a supportive boyfriend, and she’s living her life on her terms. She knows how to earn and save her money. She’s about ready to rent her first apartment on her own. I’m so proud of her!

My youngest is 17 and just starting out in life. She dreams of college to become an EMT. Her ultimate goal is Paramedic. She’s a lifeguard right now and she’s incredibly dedicated. She loves helping people. She has struggled in some school subjects, but has found the inner drive, within herself, to work very hard to understand them so she can achieve her goals. She’s incredibly talented artistically. She writes books, she’s an incredibly talented cosplay make-up artist. She’s dramatic and feisty. She’s up for adventure at any time. I can’t wait to see how she tackles adulthood one day. For now, I’m all about spending as much time as I can with her. I want to savor this last year of her minority. I am so proud of her!

I’m bugging out.

A month ago, I decided to give myself a month to decide if I was going to stay at my job, or not. 31 days to see if what I predicted would happen when my boss stepped away from her business, would happen. It did. It’s been 31 days of intense stress, deep frustration, and anger. So, yesterday, I made my decision. I’m giving my notice on Tuesday. I’m moving on. If my friendships last, they last. If they don’t, they don’t. I cannot keep working a job that drains me so completely. I’m done. I’m bugging out before it gets worse.

Upon making this decision, my blood pressure went down 20 points. TWENTY. It’s been high (for me) for months now. I feel happier and more relaxed.

Anniversary Weekend

On Monday, my husband and I will celebrate our anniversary. 24 years. I’ve been posting some funny old photos of us on Facebook. Each day, this weekend, I’m changing my profile picture to one of our wedding/engagement photos. It’s generated a lot of laughter looking through old photo albums. Just this morning my husband and I were cracking up looking at our dating photos. We had a great laugh.

Looking back on the last 24 years of marriage it’s not been a smooth road. But honestly, I don’t know any marriage that lasted this long that doesn’t have rocky moments. We have nearly divorced twice, but intensely fought for each other. It’s fun to walk down memory lane, 2 decades later, and think about how much we really didn’t know what the future held for us.

  • 3 kids
  • 1 miscarriage
  • 10 dogs
  • 3 cats
  • 18 chickens
  • 3 gardens
  • 2 houses owned
  • 4 apartments rented
  • 3 houses rented
  • 3 VW buses
  • 1 VW Super Beetle
  • 3 vintage camping trailers
  • 1 business owned/lost
  • 1 treehouse
  • 1 swimming pool
  • 5 wading pools
  • 3 times debt free
  • 13 years of homeschooling
  • 2 kids graduated, 1 to go
  • 2 best friends passing away (cancer/suicide)
  • 1 out of state move
  • Countless family movie nights
  • Countless family camping trips
  • Countless family BBQs
  • Countless pool parties
  • Countless family vacations
  • 23 christmases
  • Lots of laughter
  • Lots of tears
  • Lots of worries
  • Lots of joys